dying in this dead city

the academy and the gallery. both places reside my two jobs. one is where i've been a teacher for four years and the other is my future career, a hairstylist. both of these occupations involve social activity and i'm good at it. that is, i should be.
then how come i can't socialize with my own peers? the older i get, the more anxious i get when i go out, even when i know everyone. in the past i had scoffed at my friend when he was faced with anxiety, i know, me=hypocrite. but it was pretty bad tonite. bad enough that i couldn't even leave my seat to go home because i didn't want to walk through the crowd. i even went so far as to hide under my humongous scarf, which perhaps attracted more attention than i had desire for.
the fact that i'd rather sit at home staring at my burnt sienna wall, than to hang out where there are large groups of people, is really absurd. And! i knew most everyone there, like them, and could talk to them........ that is, if it were one on one. ABSURD! absolutely!. it doesn't make any sense. i've even been to parties where most of the same people were there and felt little or no anxiety. i go to movies by myself, eat at restaurants by myself, i tell ya, little or no anxiety. strange, right? i can't figure it out.

the funniest part about all this?--that i love to travel by myself and if you stick me in a setting where i know no one, i am fine and at ease.
do i need to leave this dead city? is that what my heart is telling me? is it because i'm tired?
27 years. is a long time to be here in this dead city.
but really, i love so many parts of this dying city.

footloose is on as i'm writing this and it makes me feel better.